San Jose Sharks 2025: Circling the Drain with Style

Still technically a hockey team, the Sharks continue their noble quest to make other franchises feel better about themselves.

Ah, the San Jose Sharks. With a stellar record of 23-49-5, they've truly redefined what it means to aim low and still miss the mark. Let's dive into the depths of their performance, shall we?​

Leading the charge is young phenom Connor Bedard, who managed 39 goals and 54 assists. Impressive, until you notice his -24 plus/minus rating. Apparently, scoring goals is only half the battle; preventing them remains an unsolved mystery.​

Zach Parise contributed 18 goals and 31 assists with a -3 rating. At 77 games, he's the marathon man of mediocrity.​

Corey Perry, with 14 goals and 20 assists, boasts a -25 rating. It's almost as if he's playing for both teams simultaneously.​

Troy Stecher leads the defense with 12 goals and 35 assists. However, his -33 rating suggests he's more generous to opponents than teammates.​

Isaak Phillips, with a -36 rating, seems to have a personal vendetta against his own goaltenders.​

In the net, the Sharks' goalies have faced more rubber than a tire factory. Their save percentages are a testament to their commitment to making every game an offensive showcase—for the opposition.​

The power play units have been about as effective as a screen door on a submarine, and the penalty kill is more of a penalty accept.​

The San Jose Sharks have truly mastered the art of turning potential into disappointment. Fans can only hope that next season brings fewer lessons in futility and more reasons to cheer—other than the final whistle.